


The Time Agent Inception

by TriplePirouette



Category: Big Bang Theory, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Fuck Or Die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-02
Updated: 2011-04-02
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:25:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriplePirouette/pseuds/TriplePirouette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheldon's hands shot out onto Jack's chest, stopping his advance. "This is not one of those  dreams. This is you and me stuck in space jail and at any moment a portion of the wall is going to open and an incarnation of the Doctor will come flying in and help us escape. No sex." A help_japan fic for ladyhouston from the prompt: "Sheldon/Penny/Captain Jack [R to NC-17, but lower is okay] Doesn't have to be a threesome, but I want the fic to involve all three characters. Any interaction (sexual or nonsexual) between Sheldon and Jack would be fantastic!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Time Agent Inception

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ladyhouston](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ladyhouston).



> For those of you that are worried, this is just S/P- not quite a threesome, but damn funny to think about! The story line is... tenuous at best (Seriously, it makes no sense, don't think too hard on it!), but I had a ton of fun writing it! I totally only thought this would be a page or two, but it really, really, really got away from me! Oh, and I absolutely couldn't avoid the Inception jokes. I LOVED the movie, so I hope it forgives me.
> 
> This is for the fantastic ladyhouston. I originally started to write it after seeing the prompt in the February Kink Meme at Paradox, but it started to get a lot bigger than I originally thought and it was taking a LOT longer. I was actually almost ready to post when help_japan and "Write for Relief" popped up. I saw that ladyhouston asked for the same prompt and someone else had already bid on it. I would have felt horrible basically poaching someone else's relief fic, so I contacted them both. In a fantastic swicharoo, Trippy41 picked up a Doctor Who/Big Bang Theory prompt from me (WHEN will they give us a DW episode? Please, BBT, please!) and I'm fulfilling ladyhouston's, and there's two donations now instead of one! Thanks to those two fantastic ladies!
> 
> And extra thanks for trippy41 for stepping in and helping beta this monster! She made it 100 times better!
> 
> Warnings: implied voyeurism

****

Sheldon stared at the blue sparking jail cell around them, past the humming bars and into the stark white room beyond. "Oh, I love when I get to dream," he smiled widely at the dashing man behind him.

Captain Jack Harkness, 51st Century Time Agent and all around rogue, shoved his hands in his pockets and stood next to the scientist. "You're cognitive of your dreams?"

Sheldon nodded his head and pretended to contemplate the bars in front of him; to make his ability seem less amazing than it was. "Of course I am. I'm a specimen of Homo Novus. To be fully alert in my dreams and cognitive of them has afforded me some amazing things."

"Like?" Jack prompted, studying the bars with the same fake fervor as Sheldon.

"It affords me extra time to work, extra time to think, and has also allowed me to completely fulfill my physical needs in a non-physical plane." Sheldon stepped back and turned to the Time Agent, smiling. "I don't need to have sex. Therefore, I do not have to worry about any of the nasty problems of relationships or unclean fluid transfers and can be a much more logical being."

Jack stared at the man in slack-jawed awe. "You don't have sex?"

Sheldon shrugged, smiling, "In my dreams only. It makes life much less complicated." He walked over to the narrow cot in the otherwise bare box of glowing bars, sitting primly.

Jack's eyes glowed and smug smile took over his face as he sauntered towards the scientist, "Only in your dreams, huh? So you've got a fantasy about you and me in a jail cell, huh?" Jack began to strip off his duster. "Well, you're not exactly my type, but I guess I can't say no to a fantasy..."

Sheldon jumped up, backing away from the time traveler. "In no way was I propositioning you!"

Jack smiled, "No, I think I was propositioning you..."

Sheldon's hands shot out onto Jack's chest, stopping his advance. "This is not one of _those_ dreams. This is you and me stuck in space jail and at any moment a portion of the wall is going to open and an incarnation of the Doctor will come flying in and help us escape. No sex."

Jack's face fell. "No sex?"

Sheldon shook his head and dropped his hands away from the muscled chest across from him. His finger pointed sharply in Jack's face. "No. Sex."

Jack put his duster back on sharply, "Shame." A tense, quiet moment was shared as the two men stood on opposite sides of the room, broken by the hissing of a hidden door in the wall sliding open to the release of steam. The stark white slipped away to reveal a thin figure in the door, framed by bright light. Sheldon's eyebrows knit together, Captain Jack smiled. "Not one of _those_ dreams, huh? I'm starting to not believe you."

The thin figure walked forward into the roam, revealing bright blonde hair teased into a halo of Barbarella proportions and dressed in skin tight black latex and thigh high heels. Penny smiled evilly at them, "Captain Jack, Doctor Wack-a-doodle." She stopped a few inches away from the bars, leaning into her hip as the two men approached her.

"Totally one of those dreams!" Jack said, leaning into the bars as his eyes took in the woman before him. He jumped back wincing as the electricity scorched his skin.

"P-Penny!" Sheldon stuttered with amazement. "What are you doing in my dream?"

Her smile changed and gone was the intergalactic vixen; instead, his neighbor answered him. "Not too sure. It's your dream." She shrugged, and then turned at him more the bubbly neighbor he knew. "Either way, these are amazing boots! Are they real? Like, did you see them somewhere I can buy them? Can I keep them?"

Sheldon's head fell into his hands as he huffed in frustration and started to mumble to himself, "Nightmare. Absolutely, definitely, without a doubt a nightmare."

Jack got as close to the bars as he dared, this time careful not to touch them, "Not too sure if you can keep them, this being a dream and all, but those boots on you... mph! I'd help you take them off... or you know, you could leave them on, and take everything else off..."

Penny returned Jack's suggestive leer. She sauntered closer. "Name the time and the place, Space Man..."

"Excuse me!" Sheldon yelled, coming up to the both of them. "Last time I checked this was my dream. Can we please move on with it?"

"Right!" Penny smiled. She shook a bit, and the vixen took over her body once more. Her voice was even deeper when she spoke. "Captain Jack, Sheldon. Even though you, Sheldon, managed to save this world by altering its destructive diminishing orbit, it seems that the high council simply cannot overlook the fact that you and Harkness shook hands."

The Captain's demeanor changed as well as he spoke, and Sheldon smiled. It wasn't often that his dreams were cognitive of him, so he was happy to see everything back to normal. "What do you mean they can't overlook the fact that we shook hands?"

Penny shrugged. "Apparently, before the Doctor left you in my care-"

"Wait!" Sheldon's hands flew up as he interrupted her.

'Neighbor' Penny was back, her voice full of irritation. "What, Sheldon?"

He shook his head and looked at the two people across from him incredulously. "The Doctor wouldn't drop us off."

Jack shrugged at his cell mate. "Well, he did. So get over it so we can get on with the rest of this dream."

Sheldon shook his head and turned, slowly walking to the cot in the small cell. "I don't... why would I have a Doctor Who dream without the Doctor?"

Penny sighed and played with the wisps of hair around her face, "Unreasonable even in dreams, huh? Maybe this is a... Torchsong dream since this guy's in it."

"Torchwood," Jack helpfully supplied.

"Right, Torchwood, thanks." She smiled and winked at the Time Agent, waiting for Sheldon to finish his tirade so she could continue.

Jack leaned toward the bars with a smirk. "Good try, though." He turned to the confused physicist, leering. "Maybe this actually _is_ a sex dream... a Penny sex dream!"

Penny's jaw went slack as she looked back and forth between the two men, but her expression of shock quickly morphed into delighted teasing. "Sheldon Lee Cooper!"

Sheldon's head dropped into his hands and he started mumbling to himself again, "Oh Lord, not my middle name. Why can't I control any of this?"

Penny continued, her voice the bubbly excited neighbor he was used to, "You have 'Penny' dreams?" She waited a beat and dropped her voice an octave, her eyebrows punctuating her words, "Sexy 'Penny' dreams?" Jack could almost see her mind work as she started to think about it, her face still trying to make light of the situation with the man across from her.

Sheldon huffed dramatically and stood, walking over to her resolutely. "Despite my best efforts, I am still human. As such, I do have desires that science has not yet been able to quench." He was quiet for a moment and dropped his head as he spoke next. "I apologize if my using you as a sexual object has offended you."

Penny's pleasure at ribbing him waned at his heartfelt apology. "Aww, sweetie, it's alright."

"No, no. It is absolutely inappropriate."

Harkness watched the exchange between the two people, baffled. There was obviously friendship and respect, as well as some form of comfortable repartee. He was really starting to wonder why he was here when he realized that no one had said anything for a few long, uncomfortable seconds. Then he remembered. He smiled, leaning over and patting Sheldon on the back, "That was downright gentlemanly of you, Sheldon. Especially since this is a sex dream."

Sheldon stepped away from the contact, rolling his eyes. "Oh, for goodness sakes, I don't think I want to go over this again!"

Penny shrugged, trying to think of a better way to break the bad news to Sheldon. "Sweetie, I'm afraid he's right."

"What?" Sheldon asked, so distracted that he walked forward and grasped the bars. He jumped back with a high pitched squeal.

Penny flinched as Sheldon examined his unburned, but sensitive, hands. "Well, sweetie, I'm supposed to tell you that in exchange for your lives, the High Council would like an in-detail display of human 21st century mating rituals."

Sheldon looked up, his blue eyes wide with shock.

"Shag or die, Sheldon," Penny laid it out with her trademark charm and a twinkle in her eye, her character forgotten.

Captain Jack laughed heartily. "Shag or die, I like it. As far as fantasies go, it's a pretty good one." Jack went to slap Sheldon on the back again, but pulled his hand back when the scientist flinched.

Sheldon stuttered for a moment, his adrenaline cycling up so that he was acting like a cornered puppy. "But- but- but- but that's not right! Why would he be here? Why- why would I?" Sheldon sighed. "Nothing about this makes sense."

Penny shrugged, feeling bad for the lanky man before her. "It's a dream, sweetie, and go with it."

Sheldon stilled, looking at her incredulously. "Well, even if I was going to go through with it, which I shall if only to get this mad dream over with, unless you're willing to submit to severe bodily harm, these bars are going to be a problem!" He huffed and looked at her, waiting for the answer to the problem.

Jack watched as Penny slowly unzipped the nearly invisible zipper down the center of her jumpsuit, expertly bearing cleavage with an evil smirk. "Oh, that can be fixed." She slowly reached down and pulled out what looked like a silver lipstick tube. A press on one end and the humming blue electricity disappeared. She flipped it over and pressed the other side, and six of the vertical bars disappeared, the horizontal bars swiftly falling into a crack that had appeared in the floor. "Voila!" Penny smiled, holding up the small silver contraption, "Instant door!"

Penny looked around and finding no place to put the small contraption shoved it back into her cleavage. She rubbed her hands together and stalked towards Sheldon like a predator. "Alright, Sheldon," She threw her arms around his shoulders, despite his frozen expression, "Let's get this show on the road."

Penny waited, but Sheldon did not move: his hands hung at his sides, his face was frozen looking at hers. Penny could feel the increase in his heartbeat where her forearm pressed into his neck and his hot breath coming in ragged gasps against her face.

Jack saw the man freeze and walked over, "Sheldon?" Nothing. Jack stood to the side of them, dropping a hand on each of their shoulders. "Sheldon, you know what to do here. I mean, Penny is a gorgeous woman-"

Penny smiled at the time traveler, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jack parroted, moving back to his concern for the man before him. "And you said you've done this in your dreams before. I'm sure there are things you want to do to her... ways you want to touch her... places you want to put your hands besides at your sides." Still nothing. "Maybe some dancing?" Jack prompted the two with a short sway, the couple's weight shifting imperceptibly as Penny smiled expectantly at the short-circuited physicist. "Dancing can be... Oh, shit. Sheldon, are you ok?"

Sheldon's head snapped over to Jack, his eyes clear. "I'm sorry, I was trying to come up with a more tactful way of saying this, but I can find none. Get out."

Jack's eyebrows knitted tightly and he jumped back as Penny's grip on Sheldon softened so that the scientist could look at the time traveler. "Wait- what?"

With a self-centering breath, Sheldon stared down the Captain. "I said, get out. Though I should add a 'please' in there I suppose. For whatever reason I have no control over tonight's dream, but I do not intend to waste any more time when my alarm clock could ring at any moment. Penny is indeed gorgeous and I find myself quite aroused by her. You, however, are most unwelcome when we do engage in coitus. Despite your earlier suggestions, I have no desire to engage in any sexual exploration with you and I most certainly will not allow you to be a voyeur whilst Penny and I indulge our more carnal desires." Sheldon took a long finger and pointed at the door. "Get out."

Jack happily threw up his hands, meandering to the hole in the bars. "Ah, got it. Far be it from me to ever get in the way of you two." He stood just outside the bars, smiling widely. "You know, as long as you don't need any help. I'm happy to show you a few things, maybe bat clean up if you find yourself out of the game a little too quickly." Jack waggled his eyebrows, but was shocked when Sheldon stuffed his hand down the front of Penny's jumpsuit with no warning. Penny's shock turned into laughter when Sheldon pulled out the small silver tube, pushing both ends simultaneously and locking them back into the cell with an electrified hiss. Jack laughed heartily. "Right, I can see when I'm not wanted." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked away, a large smile on his face.

Sheldon turned back to Penny, stuffing the small remote into his trousers. "Right, by my estimation we have approximately twenty minutes of dream time left, though none of my expectations have been met today, so I suggest we move forward immediately. Are you amenable?"

She couldn't quite read his face, but smiled and nodded, "Of course. Shag or die, right?"

Sheldon smiled and wrapped his arms around Penny, carrying her over to the cot and laying them both down. It was only a breath before his lips were on hers. He was sure and intense, his tongue begging for entry almost immediately and dipping and twirling with hers. His hands were bordering on rough as he held her underneath him, gripping her hips like a lifeline.

She slid her hands up his back, his layers of t-shirts so much warmer than she always assumed. His neck beaded sweat as she pushed her fingers into his hair. It is short, but oh so much softer than she thought it would be; strands of silk sliding past her fingers as she holds him close to her. He pulls away to gasp out a breath and she can't help but nip at his lips. She catches the lower one between her teeth and thinks of biting just a little bit harder for all of the polysyllabic insults that slipped past them.

She lets go and pushes her head back, catching his gaze as his eyes flutter open. Penny gasps in a breath as his hand comes up, rubbing away the bright iridescent lipstick that he's smudged. "You dream about me, Sheldon?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He says slightly out of breath, but without losing the slightly 'holier than thou' tone he always seemed to have. He moved to kiss her again, but she tilted her head, instead letting her lips graze over the crest of his ear. "Tell me anyway," she whispered before taking the lobe between her teeth and scraping gently.

"Oh, almost every night, Penny," Sheldon's nose slides over the curve of her jaw, teasing the crest of her ear until he's whispering gently directly into it as his hand roams up and down her latex covered thigh. "It didn't start like that, but the more I saw you, the more I knew that- the more I knew." He censors himself, and instead of speaking any more, he trails tiny, quick kisses down the side of her neck, her skin like a satiny drug to him.

Sheldon pulled back, trying to smooth her teased hair away from her face, unhappy at the way the hairspray felt on his fingers. He drew his hand away from her hair, rubbing his fingertips together to get rid of the sticky feeling and uses the back of his hand to caress her face. He smiled as her eyes fluttered shut and a smile crossed her lips. He leaned down, gently pressing his lips to hers; soft, tiny kisses that left her wanting more. Her leather and latex clad leg crept up his side and wrapped over his hip, pulling until his body fell flush with hers and she moaned into his mouth.

Penny loved the feeling of the lanky scientist on top of her, his thin hips cradled between her legs, his hard length pressing between them. She pressed her body up and licked at his lips, wanting more. Her hands pressed down his sides and up under his layers of shirts. His body seemed so much thinner than she imagined under the bulk of his shirts, but it wasn't soft like Leonard's or skin and bones like she thought it might be. He was tight, lean muscle; a swimmer's body, or a runner's maybe. He lifted his arms and pulled his face away, letting her strip the layers of cloth from his body. Her eyes dipped to his chest, taking in the pale flesh that was as alien to her as anything in this room. She looked back up into his eyes and smiled, but he pulled back when she tried to lean him back towards her.

Sheldon's fingers dragged over her collar bone and tickled in the vee of exposed cleavage, drawing infinite symbols and swirls over the swell of her breasts. Her breath hitched with the anticipation as his hand stopped in the center of her chest, dragging with a little more pressure until he caught the tiny tab of her bodysuit and pulled. He didn't touch her body as he pulled the zipper down slowly. It was torture as her skin was bared to the air but went untouched, but she didn't dare break the spell he was creating.

The zipper came to a stop just below her navel. His hands drifted to her sides and he dropped his head, letting his cheek slide up over the path of exposed flesh. Penny arched up into him, moaning deep in her throat at the simple, elegant touches. He claimed her lips hungrily, pulling back and sliding his hands across her back to lift her with him as he sat up. Their tongues dueled with renewed fervor as he slipped the suit from her shoulders with more ease than he thought possible.

He let her strip it from her arms, sliding his palms across the planes of her back. Once her arms were free he pressed the heels of his hands into the middle of her back, prompting her to arch as he buried his face in the valley between her still contained breasts. His lips moved swiftly, his tongue darting out over the swells of her breasts, his teeth nipping gently at the curve of the bra cup. His nose drifted over the apex, unable to find the small nub he sought through the bra's smoothness. Nevertheless, Penny felt the movement and pressed her hips deeper into his, aching to feel more of him. She pulled her hands up his back, then down to the waist of his pants. She couldn't get a good hand on the button or zip, so she settled for letting a hand caress his ass as the other gripped his shoulder tightly. The torture was beginning to border on cruel when she felt Sheldon sit up straight and pull her towards him without passion, his chin on her shoulder as he looked down her back, "Sheldon?"

His hands roamed the thick band across her back, but could find no break. "It doesn't have a clasp..." he sat back and pushed her away, His fingers running over her bra without out lust but with confusion. His fingers followed the top and bottom seams of the strapless bra, meeting in the middle of her breasts and still finding no mechanism to get it off. Penny was still breathing hard and trying to regulate her breath as he looked up at her. "How did you get it on?"

She was about to try to speak when a familiar make voice came from outside the bars. "Oh- yeah. 51st century lingerie. I should have told you."

Penny and Sheldon both turned in surprise to see Captain Jack sitting innocently against one of the stark white walls. Sheldon tried to cover Penny's nakedness while grasping at his discarded shirts and holding them in front of his own bare torso. "Harkness!" He bit out, high and twangy in his Texan surprise. "I threw you out!"

Jack stood and sauntered towards them. "Well, you threw me out of the jail cell." He pointed toward Penny as he stopped. "She shut the door to the room when she came in, and I couldn't get out."

Penny sat up, looking incredulously over Sheldon's shoulder as she screeched, "You could have said something instead of just watching like a perv!"

Jack shrugged, "I did. You guys didn't seem to hear me." Jack at least had the decency to look sheepish. "Hey- I tried not to look after a while- but I have to tell you- if this is what your dreams are like, I want the secret."

Sheldon shook his head and reached into his pocket, handing the silver tube over his shoulder to Penny. "I shouldn't be surprised at your behavior at all. While I find your character appealing, I have never identified with your libido. I'm still at a loss as to why you are here."

Penny twisted the two ends of the tube in opposite directions and the white wall hissed open, "Me too, Sheldon. This is why I am leaving." He turned to the door but stopped only a few feet away. "Oh! She's wearing a micro-connector bra- women wanted a smoother look or something but it's just a lot harder to get off. Anyway," Jack holds up his hands and mimes the actions as he describes them, "pinch the two seams at the bottom of the cups and squeeze them together like a Chinese finger trap." Jack waved and stepped out of the doorway, "Have fun you two crazy kids!"

Penny twisted the device again and then tossed it onto the floor. They sat for an awkward moment when Sheldon heard Penny mumble, "That's definitely not how I put it on." He continued to stare at the far away door when felt her rustle behind him and then heard the snap of hooks that didn't seem to exist. Penny made an astonished noise in the back of her throat, and then her arm reached around, holding the black scrap of high tech fabric out in front of him. With a flick of her wrist it of was on the floor and he felt her press herself against his back.

Her right hand snaked over his shoulder; her left found its way around his stomach. "Penny I'm-"

Her right hand covered his mouth. "Were you going to say you were sorry?" He nodded. "No need. Do you still want to do this, Sheldon?" He nodded again. "Good, then stop talking and take off your pants."

Sheldon didn't move for a long moment, and Penny couldn't fathom what would happen if he changed his mind, if she didn't feel more of his skin against hers, if she didn't find out what it felt like to have him move inside of her. Ever so slowly, she felt his lips move, and her breath hitched as she wondered if he was going to call it off after all. Instead, his tongue flicked out and swirled around her fingers. He turned in her arms, pressing his chest to her now naked breasts as he claimed her mouth and pushed her back down on the bed.

Penny kissed him back with unrestrained passion. Dream or not, it seemed so real, so beyond any expectation when it came to how passionate Sheldon was and how much she was enjoying it. His right hand snaked up her side, palming her breast roughly. His fingers played on her flesh, pulling, molding, pressing as her breath caught. His middle finger found her hard nipple and flicked it, letting his finger bounce over the peak as she pressed up into his palm.

Sheldon dropped his hand and pulled away to her breathy moan of his name. His lips dropped to her breast, kissing the recently abandoned nipple before taking it into his warm mouth. Penny tangled her hands in his hair, raking her own fingers over her other nipple as her head arched back into the cot. Sheldon's hand batted hers away, pinching the nipple between his long fingers, twisting with precision then soothing with circles that mirrored the movements of his tongue.

"Shit!" Penny moaned out, bucking her hips into him. "I need you, Sheldon. In me. I need you in me now. Please." Penny's hands flew to his fly as Sheldon pressed up on his hands, giving her access to undo his fly and press the pants down over his hips.

"Patience," Sheldon forced the word out as Penny's hands slipped under the waistband of his briefs and grabbed the roundness of his ass. "We have time-"

"Don't care," Penny said, shimmying down his body. He helped her by toeing off his sneakers, and Penny worked his pants and underwear down his legs carefully, careful not to scratch him with her heels as she used her feet to pull them off the rest of the way. As she pulled back up, she let her body graze the length of him, the pale, long limbs that seemed spindly and fragile while still somehow strong and sinewy.

Gently, with more care than she'd ever seen from her macho lovers, Sheldon peeled the leather boots from her feet, then slipped his hands beneath the latex sheath that clothed her. All the while she couldn't fight the desire to look at his manhood, watch it bob as he moved; think about how it would feel in her hands, how it would taste on her tongue. Sheldon had the latex stripped from her legs in one easy, if not squeaky, movement. His hands ran up the side of her legs, his chest covering hers as he pressed her onto the cot mattress.

"I would very much like to engage in coitus with you now, Penny." Sheldon breathed the words, his lips barely touching her own, his hips achingly just out of reach of hers.

"Don't say coitus, Sheldon." Penny huffed, taking his bottom lip between her teeth and dragging back until the piece of flesh slipped from her mouth. "Say have sex, or make love, or screw, or fuck, but don't say coitus." Her nails raked up over his scalp, and she couldn't imagine what his amazing, brilliant brain cells were doing up there. She kissed him, and wondered how much it would take to short-circuit him.

"Then I would like to make love to you, Penny." He said quietly, gazing deeply into her eyes.

"It's your dream, Shel-"

His hand magically appeared, stilling her protest. "This seems far too real for me to not at least ask for your consent." His hand slowly drifted away from her lips, lightly feathering over her collar bone. "Humor me."

"Make love to me, Sheldon." Penny whispered. Without a moment's hesitation she felt his hips relax into hers, his length sliding between her legs in a teasing, torturous motion.

His hand dipped between then and suddenly she felt him fill her. He moved slowly at first, clumsily. She ran her hands over his back and took a deep breath, savoring the feeling of being filled, of the delicious motion and friction that slowly built.

After only a moment his breathing sped up, his movements became more stilted. He spoke her name over and over, the intonation changing as he buried his head into her shoulder. She tipped her hips up, hoping to find a way, and then his slim fingers were between them, searching out the hard nub that made her breath hitch. Tight, perfect circles brought Penny to a quick orgasm, and Sheldon followed soon after, his hand sandwiched between them.

Penny let her legs relax down his as he flopped boneless on her. His nose nudged into her neck, tracking a small line back and forth as she rubbed his back. It hadn't been perfect, far from it, but it seemed all the more real for it. Sheldon pressed up, his lips finding hers in a soft, chaste kiss. "I wonder..." he whispered, shifting his weight from her.

"What?" Penny asked, rolling to follow him more on instinct than thought.

"What it would be like to kiss you for real." He kissed her again, a little more passionately this time, and she responded in kind, shifting so that she was looming over him on the small cot.

Penny pulled away. "I don't know, this feels so real, I guess it might be a lot like this." She leaned down, but froze when they were plunged into darkness.

~H~

Sheldon woke up in a sweat, in his own bed and his Monday Pajamas. He stood, taking stock of his room. Nothing seemed different. His clothes were in the hamper, right where he put them before he went to bed. He inspected them, but found no evidence of a small silver tube or of the tangy scent of hairspray that still seemed to live in his nostrils. If his skin felt a little drier, and his lips just slightly swollen, he was sure he could attribute that to the weather.

Sheldon shook his head and got back into bed. "I'll never get back to sleep now."

~H~

Captain Jack Harkness strolled back onto the Tardis, closing the vortex manipulator he'd just used to deposit Sheldon and Penny back where they belonged. "Doc?" he called out into the cavernous console room.

"Down here," came the Northern tone from beneath the console. "How'd it go?"

Jack shook his head, leaning against a rail. "It...went. It was pretty bizarre."

The Doctor slipped out from under the console, giving it a gentle pat before looking up at the man. "What do you mean?"

Jack strolled around the circular deck, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Well, he was completely convinced it was a dream. So was she." His eyes widened, remembering the little he'd seen. "And the deed was done, to an exceptional degree." A small, lecherous smile started to bloom on his face before he could stop it.

A glare from the Doctor did the trick. The Time Lord pointed a finger in the man's chest, "I told you-"

Jack's hands flew up and he leaned back. "I stayed out of it!" Jack meandered away from the Doctor, a sly smile on his face. "I am a trained Time Agent; I do know when to follow the rules."

"Good." The Doctor's voice was stern as he gazed at the man, dropping it after he felt he'd stared long enough to discern he'd told the truth. The Doctor knelt to replace the panel on the console he'd been working behind, his sonic screwdriver loud in the quiet until Jack spoke again.

"What I don't really understand is why I had to do this. They seemed like they'd get there eventually." Jack threw in a wink for good measure, but only because he knew the Time Lord couldn't see him.

The Doctor shrugged and stood. "Because of just one, ordinary person, that's why. In the original history Doctor Cooper's roommate, Leonard Hofstadter, doesn't live with him, Doctor Koothrappali does. In this course of events, Doctor Hofstadter's romantic interest in Penny has sidelined the relationship between Sheldon and Penny that was supposed to develop organically, hence destroying any chance the human race has of existing past 2027."

Jack watched the man's mouth, but didn't quite believe his words. "But nothing happens in 2027..."

"Not in your history, because Doctor Cooper and his prodigal genius of a son stop it. In this set of shifted events Doctor Cooper and Penny will never have a son, hence the end of the world." The Doctor smiled, eternally pleased with himself.

Jack was about to speak when Rose strutted in, smiling brightly. "Go well?" she asked.

"Yeah," Jack replied, still a little mystified.

The Doctor smiled brightly and bumped her shoulder with his when she stood next to him. "Time lines are shifting back to normal already."

Jack was still not quite convinced. "But why kidnap them? Why practically force them-"

The Doctor raised a finger and looked almost insulted. "No one forced them to do anything. They were both fully aware and cognitive."

"Plus, you know, once they've already..." Rose rolled her eyes and waved her hand, "you know; they're more likely to do it again, no matter who her ex is."

Jack shook his head. "No, I don't buy it. That was abnormally twisted, even for you, Doc." Jack sat down heavily on the jump seat, thrusting a booted foot in front of the Doctor's hand before he could start the dematerialization sequence. "Explain."

The Doctor crossed his arms and stared at Jack as if he were out of his mind. "Well of course Shag-or-Die wasn't the original plan! I've been working on these two for centuries now! Stop by here and steal his keys so he's locked out and has to stay at her place. A few years later I'd go back and slick up her tub when he was the only one around so he'd have to play knight in shining armor. Got them both sick with a flu for Valentine's Day. Planted so many ideas and hints and nothin'! Not a thing between them. I swear I almost just hit him over the head with a frying pan one night to knock some sense into him!" The Doctor huffed dramatically. Rose just shook her head.

"Shag-or-Die was my idea," she smiled proudly, "The Doctor just wanted to take them on a little adventure, but I figured putting a little more than a subtle suggestion in there would make this much more likely a success. Based on what the Doctor told me I could see the poor clueless bloke never saying anything, and even if the poor girl brought it up, he'd probably just ignore it like all the other times he had!"

Jack looked at the two of them for a moment. The reasoning wasn't perfect. He was sure he could come up with a list of faults a mile wide- but he'd never seen the Doctor screw with people's lives for fun, and if he was right about the man's son saving the world... an idea stopped the train of thought in its tracks. "But what if she's already-"

"Not likely," The Doctor said, picking up the Time Agent's foot and none too delicately removing it from the console, "but all for the better. Their genius son will save the world several times over, once literally, the rest figuratively."

Jack wasn't completely sold, but he didn't have as many reservations as before. "Guess that's less work for us, then, huh?"

Rose smiled at him, "And more fun! Where to next?"

The Doctor just smiled devilishly.

~H~

Sheldon looked up from his morning oatmeal as Leonard walked past him to the coffee pot with little more than a mumble.

"You!" Sheldon pointed at him, dropping his spoon with a squishy clang. "It's all your fault!"

A high pitched whine escaped the groggy scientist. "I haven't even made my coffee yet." Leonard threw down his hands in defeat and turned. "Alright, what did I do?"

"I told you I didn't want to watch Inception that close to bedtime, especially with all of you doing Tequila shots any time that slow motion sound effect popped up!" Sheldon shook his head in disgust.

Leonard started to stutter a reply that was going to start with the fact that Sheldon hadn't even played the drinking game when a high pitched scream erupted from the apartment across the hall. Leonard and Sheldon looked at each other for only a second before bolting up and out the door. "Penny!" Leonard yelled, trying her door and pushing through when the knob turned easily.

They found Penny standing in the middle of her living room holding a large, white shoebox, her jaw slack and eyes wide.

"Penny? What's wrong?" Sheldon asked, shutting the door carefully behind him.

Penny didn't want to look insane, so she tried to pull herself together. "Oh, um, just excited... I guess. Someone left me a present outside my door." She continued to stare at the contents of the box, trying to quell the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"It sounded like you were upset- afraid even," Sheldon supplied, inching closer to Penny. She stepped back, keeping some distance between herself and Sheldon. Unnerved by her reaction, he pushed further. "Penny, what's in the box? Is it a bomb? A small furry creature? A disembodied head?"

Leonard looked back and forth between the two, not sure what to do, but completely sure that whatever was in the box was not a good thing.

"Oh, just shoes." Penny forced herself to try to be excited, smiling a bit. After all, it had to be a coincidence. It just had to be. Or a trick of the mind. Or simple little misfiring of neurons that one of the guys could easily explain to her. With a deep breath, she felt her shoulders relax a bit and her smile widen. Just a silly, spooky coincidence. "Really awesome shoes," she said, feeling more like her old self now that she had talked her way around the fear. Penny lifted the thigh high leather out of the box, showing it off to the guys.

While Leonard's expression changed into one of lust, it was Sheldon's high pitched squeak and the nervous twitch that erupted in his eye that told her maybe, possibly, somehow, it absolutely was not a coincidence.

~H~

* * *

 **Deleted Scene- How much Tequila did I have?**

Penny blinked open her eyes, wincing at the bright light in front of her. When her vision focused, she saw herself sitting in front of a mirrored vanity in a black, nearly endless room. Penny reach up and touched her hair, it was teased high and curled to within an inch of its life. She touched it, and though it wasn't as helmet-hard and she expected, it wasn't nearly as soft as she was used to, leaving a tacky feeling on her fingertips. A blonde woman was talking to her in a British accent, her back turned.

"-so I tell my Mum that I'm very well taken care of, but you know, she's my Mum, so of course she worries. I could be living with the King of England and she's still worry!" The blonde turned, a make-up palate in her hands and smiled widely. "Oh, you're finally back with us all the way then, eh?"

"What? Huh- Um, I guess." Penny stuttered, cautious as the woman assaulted her face with a thick brush, painting on a silky foundation.

"Still a little confused, then?" The blonde looked sympathetic and Penny nodded. "Right, from the beginning then. You're dreaming."

Penny tried not to move, even if this was a dream she never turned down a free stylist and was curious to see what the outcome would be. "I'm dreaming."

"Yup." The blonde turned, picked up a thin brush and a pot of liquid eye liner. "Eyes closed, then. So yeah- dream. I'm Rose. I'm helping you get ready for tonight's performance. Got yourself an acting job tonight."

Penny couldn't see, but she could feel the sticky, cold feeling as the brush passed over her lids. She could tell this girl was laying it on in thick bands. She often did have dreams about getting acting jobs, but this one didn't seem quite right. "What am I performing in?"

"Sheldon's dream." Rose said flatly.

Penny's eyes flew open, sending Rose's brush flying up the side of Penny's face. Penny realized what she did at Rose's horrified look and apologized quickly as the artist went to grab some make-up remover and a cotton swab. "Oh, I am so sorry! I just- I thought you said I'd be performing in Sheldon's dream tonight."

Rose pressed Penny's eye closed and went to work to remove the long line from the side of her face. "I did. You're dreaming that you're going to be in Sheldon's dream tonight."

Her eyes still closed, Penny could do nothing but think as the woman slowly removed the black streak from her skin. "I- um, who am I going to be? I mean- my hair is teased like, three feet high, and this make up is definitely not something I'd ever wear..."

"Open your eyes...yeah, that'll do." Rose turned away and shrugged. "You're some kind of space Barbarella to his universe saving self."

"Seriously?" The idea didn't seem too bad to her, especially if that orgasm machine made an appearance...

Rose smiled and picked up a palate of smoky eye colors, coming back at Penny's face. "Seriously. Once I'm done you'll have some time to get dressed, and to study the script, but here's the basic idea: he's in space jail with Captain Jack Harkness of Torchwood, the dignitaries of that planet will kill him unless the two of you demonstrate 21st century mating rituals." Rose stepped back and Penny no longer felt the slide of the eyeshadow brush. "Open your eyes."

Rose returned with the mascara, and Penny waited until she had finished before voicing her next thought- she absolutely didn't want a mascara brush in her eye- even if it wasn't real. "Since this is my own subconscious, I will admit to having been around the internet a time or two... Shag or die? Really?"

Rose laughed at Penny as she attacked her with a large fluffy blush brush. "Yup. I mean, come on- wouldn't you just love a reason to peal all of those layers off of him?"

"Well, yeah, but-" Penny's hand flew to her mouth, realizing what she had said.

Rose pointed the blush brush at her, a sly smile on her face. "You're in your own subconscious. It's not like I didn't know that already."

Penny sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "I guess. I mean, if I don't say it, it isn't real, right? He's Leonard's best friend, and he's my neighbor, and he's so... him..." Her sigh was heavier this time, full of defeat. "This seems like an awful lot of trouble for my subconscious to go through for a Sheldon sex dream."

Rose smiled and switched brushes and grabbed a pot of lip color. "Well, just remember this the next time you watch Inception while doing tequila shots."

"Good point," Penny murmured just before the brush touched her lips.

"That's ok. You're going to be getting very naughty with a fantastic bloke in a few... and just wait until you see your shoes."

Penny's eyes lit up and she resisted the urge to lick her lips. Rose pointed to her left and Penny turned her head. Laying on a chair in the darkness was a sleek black jumpsuit and the sexiest pair of thigh high boots Penny had ever seen. She smiled at Rose. "My shoes..."

They both laughed, and Rose helped Penny out of the chair. "Come on; let's finish getting ready so you can knock that man off his feet." Penny didn't know quite what she'd feel like in the morning, but she'd had sex dreams, and shoe dreams, and even Sheldon dreams. She ran a hand down the leather of the boots and smiled. Putting them together might be the best idea her subconscious ever had.

And she was never doing tequila shots while watching Inception again. Penny couldn't keep the question from tumbling from her lips, though. "So, dream, right? Any chance Mr. DiCaprio will be making a guest appearance?"

Rose just laughed.


End file.
